Reno's rant: A guide to Final fantasy Couples
by Ritz the freak
Summary: Reno had read some fanfics that have made him very angry!
1. Chapter 1

Couples that make sense In Final Fantasy

"Hello my name is Reno. I am part of the Turks and the Final Fantasy VII game. As much as I enjoy your comments and fanfics about me and my fellow characters, there are some pairings that can never ever happen. Here I am to tell you what pairings are acceptable and those that are not."

Reno really shouldn't talk while he was writing. Cloud and Tifa listened on the other side of the living room while Reno typed out his rant angrily. He began to write this after he saw at least ten Tifa and Reno pairings. Tifa sipped tea while Cloud sharpened his sword. They both stopped to hear Reno type out everything.

"Okay then Here are the common couples, the ones that are most common.

Cloud and Tifa: Very understandable. They were childhood friends and Tifa is trying to help Cloud out of his depression. Yes, very common. But Cloud is an Emo. He is always thinking about Aeris and can't stop thinking about her. Tifa needs someone who can help her out of her depression. Cloud is not that kind of guy unless this is written correctly. Stop making Cloud look like a sissy, no matter how much he is. HE WILL NOT CRY! EVER! So stop making him cry."

Cloud put down his sword. "What the hell is Reno talking about?" He asked. Tifa shrugged. Cloud went over. He tapped Reno on the shoulder but Reno was on a roll and didn't notice the Chocobo head.

"Reno and Tifa: Oh please God, no! Tifa and I have no interaction in the game, except for in Advent Children when I carrying her and Cloud, I sneaked a grope but anyway, this pairing, BAD! I don't like Tifa one bit. She makes me sad in pants."

That sent Tifa over the edge. "YOU DID WHAT? RENO MUST DIE!" She began to slap the poor Turk before he could get started on the Vincent and Yuffie pairing. Cloud had to spilt them up and take Reno to the hospital. The computer was left alone, leaving a dim glow in the dark living room. Vincent passed by and stopped at the computer. He read what Reno wrote and decided to add some things………..


	2. Vincent

Couples that make sense In Final Fantasy

"Vincent and Yuffie: Oh please. Why do you people insist on putting me and that stupid ninja together? Yuffie is too hyper for me. I can't even stand her as a fighting companion. Please stop making her and me a couple in your pitiful fanfics. Besides, if we go get together, that's called Saga Tory rape. She's 16 and I'm old enough to be her father. "

Yuffie passed by, reading over Vincent shoulder what he was writing. What he was writing made her gasp. She had a crush on Vincent for a long time and here he was, writing to thousands of fans how much he hated her. Vincent ignored the low sobs he heard and continued to write. He was now on a roll.

"Vincent and Tifa: I have no interaction with her, period. I refuse to be in the same room with the woman. She is annoying and I don't like her. Stop putting us together. She belongs with Cloud. There is no If ands or But's about it. Stop it. I hate that pairing."

Yuffie ran off to cry while Vincent continued to write some more.

"Vincent and Marlene: This pairing is the most annoying one I have come across. Yes, I kind of protected her. But that's doesn't mean I want her as a girlfriend. Shes six years old! That's really gross! Why do you insist on pairing us together?

Vincent and Hojo: You are talking about Hojo, that man who made me this way. You expect me to drop my insane hate for him and fall helplessly in his arms? This is a man who hasn't showered since Sephiroth was born. No thank you.

Vincent and Sephiroth: Okay, let me get this right. You fangirls want me to be with the person I consider should have been my son? ………… You people are sick.

Vincent and Cid: Please, the man has a mouth that's dirtier than Hojo's underwear. Besides, we're friends. Nothing more.

Vincent and Cloud: Cloud and I are also friends, nothing more. But yet, I can see where this comes from. Cloud and I are both angsty and everything but I'm not gay."

Vincent had said what he wanted to say. With a slight smile, he got up and went to walk in the forest. Two hours later Marlene came in. Being a very mature six year old, she understood what was on the computer. So she decided to add to this……….


	3. Marlene

Couples that make sense In Final Fantasy

"Marlene and Cloud: Cloud is my friend. We play with my legos together and he helps me put away my toys when Daddy isn't looking. But no, I don't like him like that. He had Geo stigma and it looks gross on his arm. Besides, all boys are yucky! I don't want to kiss Cloud"

Denzel passed by, staring at what Marlene was tpying.

"Hey Marlene, want to pull on Cait sith's tail? He's sleeping." Marlene looked up from the computer screen at her friend. "Denzel, would you ever want to kiss Cloud?" Denzel looked disgusted. "Ew no. Cloud's our friend. Besides, I'm ten and he's like 22 years old." Marlene smiled. "Then tell those people on the Internet." She said, hopping from the chair. Denzel got on the chair. "Okay then here goes."

"Denzel and Marlene: This is a very good pairing. I like Marlene. That's why I rip her Barbie doll heads up and give them mowhawks.

Fdrjhoigoijoijroiirhiohir No, this is very bad. I think boys are yucky. NO

Hfuhoihoihoierhio Yea, Marlene is a big crybaby

Iojfiojfiojiojie No I'm not!

Foooojojop Yea you are"

The two small children began to fight. Denzel was strong but Marlene was stronger. She kicked his ass and came back to the computer with only a cut on her forehead.

"Loz and Marlene: Loz is a big crybaby. He's even worse than Denzel when Tifa took away his playstation. I don't like him at all. Maybe we can play dolls together and have a tea party, but that's it. But then he'd cry if I didn't give him more tea.

Tifa and Marlene: Eww, Tifa's like got big boobs and there bigger than my head. I don't like her very much. She scares me once a mouth. Cloud says its called PMS and that Denzel and I should give her chocolate when she get like that. Denzel threw a snickers at her and she ran after him, screaming. I don't like her.

Kadaj and Marlene: EEWWW, he drinks black oily liquid! No! He's werid.

Barret and Marlene: EEEWWW, you sickos! That's my daddy. Why must you be so perverted? Besides, he only has one hand!"

Seeing as how she got all of them she could think of she left with a smile on her face to play tea party with Loz.

Two hours later Sephiroth came into the living room after beating up Chocobo's for a while. He saw the computer screen and smiled. This would be fun………


	4. Sephiroth

Couples that make sense In Final Fantasy

"Okay then, lets see what have you fangirls done to me this time?

Sephiroth and Cloud: This would not work one bit. Cloud and I hate each other and you expect me to go running to him and saying, 'I'm sorry, I'll be good now?' Not happening. Besides, his hair defies gravity. That scares me.

Sephiroth and Hojo: This is a man that was my tormentor and is my father. You want me to be with him, the man who hasn't bathed in years? I don't think so. Stop putting up together, its disgusting.

Sephiroth and Aeris: I think Aeris and I would have been good together if she wasn't a Cetra. She is hot and doesn't have big boobs like Tifa. She's pretty forgiving so she might forgive me. I just hope she doesn't find out about that one time when I groped her when we were fighting before I killed her.

Sephiroth and Tifa: I don't like Tifa very much. If we did get together, all I would like about her is her big boobs. She's annoying and snobby and jumps around too much.

Sephiroth and Zack: Zack and I would be good together I think. The only problem is he is dead and I'm alive. But since I won't kill myself, this is a couple that couldn't happen.

Sephiroth and Kadaj: Kadaj is supposed to be my clone. So that's like being with myself. While I am a great person to be with, I would sick of seeing myself every morning.

Sephiroth and Jenova: I have to touch mommy? EEEEEEWWWW!"

Seeing as he had had his fill of the computer, he sat back in the twirling chair. Then he heard his theme song, 'One winged angel.' He grumbled to himself. "Damn theme song came too late." He said to himself. He sighed, making a mental note to kill someone for this offence. His thoughts were cut off when he saw Rude come in. Rude looked surprised to see him. Sephiroth smiled. Someone to kill to get over his theme music not coming on. What distracted him from killing the Turk was a ferret outside. "Oh, ferret!" He said to himself, running out to get the ferret.

Rude tried to ignore this and went to the computer screen. He saw what was written and decided to add to this……….


End file.
